Break ups are, not the right word but the first that comes to mind, funny. Really I should be thinking provoking and ironic. You start to look back at a lot of things and wonder what cold have been done differently. What wasn’t going to change about you or the other person. I started to wonder all sorts of things and had various questions ping ponging in my mind since this past Thursday and the weeks before. It’s taken me a long time to sort through some things. Many I haven’t come to any conclusions on, some I think I’m nearing or am there.

First off I’m in a lot of pain mentally and in my heart. Of course this is going to happen when the person you truly, or though so, loved leaves to go on their own adventures without you. Of course after this comes acceptance. Which is probably one of the hardest things to get to. Finally getting to the next stage and maybe being friends again, maybe not in some of my cases.

A lot of my questions keep coming and going. When they pop up I start to look inside to see what’s happening. At times it scares me, others it makes perfect sense. Though this isn’t the entire purpose for writing right now.

I’d like to say that the things I’m doing now I would have if my Texas Rose hadn’t left. Hadn’t moved to Utah. I’d like to say that but I’d be lying. I’d still be in the same spot I was because in all honesty I was too comfortable with what I had. I enjoyed the security we had in the little life we had carved out for ourselves. I loved that I wasn’t moving every few months. I loved holding her every night when we were together. That’s not enough when it comes down to everything.

Since she left I have changed my diet. I’m trying to lose a little bit of weight from drinking so heavily over the past few years. It has gotten a little out of hand. I’ve started exercising more because I want to get in shape. I’m only taking baby steps right now because you really need to crawl before you can run full throttle. I’m out of shape. I drink and smoke too much. At least the drugs aren’t very prevalent anymore.

So I’m doing good for myself physically. I’m eating better. I’m drinking more water. I’ve started to run, use a weighted jump rope, sit ups and push ups. It’s really all that I can do while being of no fixed address again in my life. Still these are baby steps and hopefully I will be in better shape by the time I get back to San Francisco in August.

I’ve even begun drinking less. I’ve only had four beers when going out at night anywhere. Alternating with water or a redbull if I’m tired like I am a good deal of the time due to lack of sleep. I’m really not ready to abstain for a month or more just yet, but I am getting there and get there I shall in a few week’s time. That I feel will bring along a lot of boredom for me since I really have nothing much to do other than think and work on improving my body and my mind.